don't tease me about my hobbies--i don't tease you about being an asshole

Here’s a fun Monday morning game:  Let’s compare the track list for the Garden State soundtrack vs. the track list for a mix CD made, by me, in November, shall we?  It looks like 7 of the songs on my mix make up over half of the soundtrack to the movie.  Interesting.  I think you owe me some money, Zach Braff.  Fork it over.

Speaking of Garden State, everyone just looooves this movie, and I will say this much:  for the most part, the actors were phenomenal—Natalie Portman, out from under the sizable thumb of George Lucas, was excellent; I now have a big, dirty crush on the gravedigger friend who sounds exactly like John Malkovich; Bilbo, as Largeman’s father was sadly underused.  Sadly, I just can’t get behind Zach Braff and his big teeth and his uneven performance—he was okay when animated, but when he was doing his whole “I’m so numb and lacking in emotional capacity” thing, he appeared mildly retarded.  Oh, and speaking of numb, did he have to SAY he was numb?  Like five times?  In a row?  Which leads me to my final criticism of the movie: yes, for the most part, it was AWESOME—I think that kid from Scrubs is a talented director and a quirky writer and the film was just fantastic and dark and twisted and real in that way that only the completely unreal can be, but I am sorry, those last scenes TOTALLY betrayed the rest of the film; it was almost disturbing.  I actually winced and groaned, loudly and uncontrollably.  What the fuck happened there?  It went from quirky to after-school special in .006 seconds.  Everything that happened after gravedigger friend gave Largeman back the necklace was fucking pap and badly written pap, at that.  For example:  “I know it hurts. But it’s life, and it’s real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it’s life, and it’s pretty much all we got.”  AHH!!!  If I were capable of writing such a thing with a straight face, I would cut my fucking hands off—and it seriously just got worse and worse, “Oh Dad, we need to just get to know each other as we are and we may not be perfectly happy, but we’ll be okay…oh Sam, you’ve taught me more in 4 days than I’ve learned in the last 10 years…”  What bullshit!  How did they get from the infinite abyss and graverobbers and a dude in a suit of armor speaking Klingon and pathological liars to fucking crying in an airport and sick, sappy professions of love and life-altering experiences, and for that matter, you’re not supposed to SAY things that the audience can totally infer, you know, like “I’m so numb—”  we KNOW you’re numb because you’re making your mildly retarded face!  Man.  It’s just a shame because the movie really could have been pretty much perfect if not for those last 12-15 minutes.

And finally, a few brief notes on the 2004 MTV Video Music Awards. 

• When Hillary Duff twinked that she is “totally into rap!” my heart actually stopped beating just for a second.
• Despite my hatred for Jennifer Lopez and all that she creates, I am forced to admit that she is way, way too hot for Skeletor here.
• Those “If MTV were…” commercials are brilliant.
• Usher, performing shirtless in a shower?  Oh, don’t lie—you were slightly aroused, weren’t you?
• Confidential to Jet: Please follow Usher to the shower because you look grimy and stinky. Also, do you have another song?  Because the one you’re singing is 10 months old.
• Confidential to Yellowcard: Dude, you guys are worthless.  I’d rather listen to Hanson.  Seriously.
• Confidential to Hoobastank:  You were the least offensive of the three “rock n’ roll” bands to play the show, mostly because as soon as you can on screen, I flipped over to Arrested Development.
• Best Video Game Soundtrack?  Are you fucking kidding me?
• Christina Aguilera performed some song I don’t know while dancing about in flapper attire and red-topped garters.  Hot.  All I can say, is, pack your bags, Britney.  Ten years from now, Slutty Christina Aguilera will still be able to sing, but I bet you won’t be able to prance about in a leather bustier and pretend to be tough.  Hope there’s money in that Kabbalah thing.
• Why was Lenny Kravitz wearing wings?  That was weird.
• Oh, and by the way, kudos to The Postal Service for totally selling out and letting MTV use your song to hype fucking Laguna Beach: the Real Orange County. 
• Finally: Hey, Gideon Yago,  remember when you used to be my boyfriend and then you cut off your Jew-fro and you weren’t my boyfriend anymore?  Yeah  I remember that too, but that’s beside the point, the point is, Gideon, honey.  A pink suit?  Why?  Why would you do that?  Was it just to hurt me, because if so, mission accomplished.

Comments

[jason]

gideon yago turned ugly, i was telling my friend, shortly after he went to iraq to do his mtv special that ended up being a lame rah-rah for the whole war effort.

i agree. that pink suit was horrible. john norris looked better than gideo. even kurt loder looked better. sadness.

also, i hate gideon's stubble. i think he started that during his visit to iraq, too.

[jason]

ohhh you should add to the list of funny things the fact that bruce willis has joined p. diddy's entourage.

[jessica]

I was also pretty underwhelmed by Garden State. People seem to be so easily impressed these days. Also, Natalie Portman is a good actress blah blah blah. But would people love her so much if she weren't cute? A friend of mine had this to say "Despite Braff's often keen visual eye, his script suffers from the usual first-time screenwriter failings: too much dialogue, no dramatic tension, and a desire to educate audiences about the Meaning of Life." I would go one further and say that it's not only a first-time filmmaker thing, but a "young introspective filmmaker" thing. And it's annoying.

[Ahe]

so very true! it was as if gideon was trying to "get serious" and thought that a change in his do and some manly stubble would accomplish that.

and i totally forgot to mention bruce willis hanging with p.diddy's crew; that was fucking awesome. i was on the phone with dr. danskin at the time and was like, holy shit, is that bruce willis? then i said that he was totally hot and heather agreed and i mentioned that guys never seem to understand how he is so hot, and heather asked jeremy what he thought and jeremy said that bruce willis is handsome. with a shrug.

and agreed on all counts, jessica. the "young introspective filmmaker" comment, especially. although, i would have inserted the word "pussy" or "whiny" in front of "young."

[Dr. Danskin]

I totally thought Christina was wearing red bike shorts for a while. It made my heart hurt. But she wasn't - just the top of her stockings.

And Lenny didn't just have wings - he had a whole freaking dead bird on his back! Not cool, dude.

[Dr. Danskin]

Oh man - that was funny. Actually, it was "He's handsome" with a shrug, followed by "I mean, there's no denying that." Very funny.

[jordan]

well, it's true, there is no denying that bruce willis is handsome...

[Annie]

HA! I TOTALLY thought she was wearing red bike shorts too. I was watching in a room full of people and we were all like, dude, why is she wearing bike pants? Or are they bandages?!?! Is she a burn victim? Is she so hot she set herself on fire?

And, urgh. I am torn on the GArden State thing. I loved it, but you're right about the last part of the movie. It didn't ruin it for me, though.

[ahe]

WHUH? that was a whole dead bird? no way!

[Jadenator]

Hello, didn't anyone see Kanye West? I am absolutely in love with that hot bitch. He is the hottest of hot rap bitches ever. Mostly because he wears man-pink. That twat Hilary Duff better stay away from him. The only dissatisfying thing about his performance was Chaka Khan. I think she is sadly going the way of Aretha. She can't sustain her breathing long enough to sing her old songs. Tragic!

[alison]

jade, i hear youon kanye west. he is schexy and man, can he wear a suit.

[WAMPIRE]

dude. I cannot believe you didn't even write about the theater. Like how it wouldn't have been that bad if we had paid matinee price, or hadn't had to sit in 50 years of goobers and popcorn or if there had been more than 2 stalls in the bathroom...BLAH. Horrifying. Really, though...how can they charge as much for a broken down theather with weird liquid on the floor and broken seats as they do for the Cinerama??? Totally pants.

[JT FROM TEXAS]

SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR CAMPLAINING. YOUR JUST A CLOWN WITH A 'I THINK I'M SMART" COMPLEX. TOOL.