how about i stay out of your whoring and you stay out of my thieving?

My love for the world of slasher horror gorefests is pretty widely known (I never did finish my commentary on Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments—I should get on that), but what, I think is less widely known, is just how much of a giant wussy I am when it comes to realistic violence/gore.  When I say "realistic," I don’t mean that the bloodletting itself is realistic, I mean that the context is believable—limbs blown off in battle scenes, injuries shown on procedurals and ANY fucking boxing scene ever filmed, EVER.  You know, like when Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed and I cry and cry, inconsolable for days until my mom yells "For god’s sake, it’s just a movie!"  Ooh, or when that big guy rams Tom Cruise in the kidneys in Far and Away, not that I’ve seen that movie 77 times or that I own it or anything, because that would be lame, wouldn’t it?  Remember when it was okay to love Tom Cruise? Those were the days, I’m telling you.

My point is that no matter how much I want to watch Nip/Tuck and bask in the fuckedupedness (I was an English major, I’m allowed to make up words), I just cannot make it through an entire show without throwing up a little in my mouth or retreating to the happy place in my mind, whichever comes first.  They SHOW you the cutting and the slicing and peeling  and the using of leftover blood as a glue to hold together flaps of skin, oh god, happy place, happy place! Generally, I spend the entirety of the surgical scenes covering my eyes, exclaiming repeatedly "Oh my god."  Oh my god.  Oh my GOD.  ohmygodohmygodOHMYGOD.  Occasionally, I’ll throw in a variant, you know, a "For the love of God" or an "Oh Jesus Christ," something of that sort.  If the blood n’ guts lasts long enough, I’ll lose the strength of will to actually complete the phrase: "Oh my—oh jeez—oh my—for the" which eventually jumbles together into a nonsensical string of "ohmyjeezforthejeezofchrist!"  If I make it that far, I usually end up flipping the channel rapidly back and forth between the show and something inoffensive like the Food Network, just to catch my breath with a little Giada de Laurentiis.  I have no real point here other than that Julian McMahon—you have no right to give me nightmares!  Don’t make me associate your smoking hotness with cutting faces open.  I’m not saying you should get yourself resurrected on Charmed or anything, just maybe tone down the stuff where you’ve got a scalpel in your hand.

In other news, not that I’ve read the latest batch of non-love for Sen. Clinton, but didn’t Dick Morris became a professional, published Hillary Hater about 5 minutes after he resigned amid a scandalous flurry of reports that he had been caught paying for it? And by "it" I mean "sex." With a prostitute.  That’s just what I heard.

Comments

[Cassie]

Remember when it was okay to love Tom Cruise? Those were the days, I’m telling you.

I used to LOVE Tom Cruise, like I had posters and everything. He was so fun and cute. What the hell happened?

[christopher]

holy shit, did you see nip/tuck last night? i don't know if it was new or now i don't keep up with the series that well, but they were cutting into this girl's face and she could FEEL IT, but they thought she was out. it freaked the crap out of me.

[Impish Bastard]

By the way, in case you haven't had your monthly quote of cheesy gore...they are showing the Director's Cut of Land of the Dead for one night only on Monday the 17th at AUBURN STADIUM 17 and
BELLA BOTEGA STADIUM 11...I know, I know Land of the Dead somehow manages to be derivative of itself but still...maybe more gore will help...

[Baxter]

Generally, I spend the entirety of the surgical scenes covering my eyes, exclaiming repeatedly "Oh my god." Oh my god. Oh my GOD. ohmygodohmygodOHMYGOD.

Funny...I actually started watching Nip/Tuck BECAUSE of my surgery show bloodlust. I am sick. Somebody help me.

I personally thought last night's Nip/Tuck was the best episode of the season thus far. Despite the presence of the second-ugliest child actress in the known universe.

That picture of Dr. Troy IS smoking hot! Thanks for that little bit of Americanized Aussie brightness in my day.

[ahe]

Um, Jessica, that's weird. Do you have a medical fetish you want to tell us about? Ah, no, I kid. De gustibus. I am just a wuss when it comes to such things. Happy place, happy place.

Dude--I feel pretty sorry for Dr. Christian. If that kidn were my son, I'd have slapped him around a LONG time ago. Whoa, child abuse is wrong, wrong, I say--but in this case, that kid is a fictional character who deserves a beating. Whiny prick.

[christopher]

Despite the presence of the second-ugliest child actress in the known universe.

so true.

[jordan]

what's a procedural?

also, wuss.

[Annie]

Whoa, child abuse is wrong, wrong, I say--but in this case, that kid is a fictional character who deserves a beating. Whiny prick.

I hate that kid too. I get that he's a little mental, but get some help, dammit!

[ahe]

Jordan, a procedural is tv show focusing on the investigation/solving and/or prosecution of crimes. So the Law and Order franchise, Without a Trace, CSI, etc. Basically, everything on television right now.

[Jonas]

From regrets of work undone to gore to "Happy Place" to Italian cooking and wrapping up with a political bit, this is chock full of bloggity goodness.

[Baxter]

but in this case, that kid is a fictional character who deserves a beating.

AGREED. Also, isn't he over 18? Once you become an adult, you lose your beating ammunity. Especially if you turned out to be a violent, snotty, homophobic alcoholic.

[Jadenator]

I cannot watch nip/tuck it so sickens me. However I can watch 6 seasons of Oz nonstop with no nightmares. I just don't expect that kind of nasty stuff from the cheap cable. It belongs on HBO.

[ahe]

Luckily, the blood n' guts in Oz is way, WAY more tame than nip/tuck. They don't generally do close ups of stab wounds and whatnot. Oh, man, remember when they stapled that guy to death? That was AWESOME.

Jessica--I think I assumed Matt was underage since they were able to take the younger daughter out of his house. I'm pretty sure they don't take away the children of everyone against whom a restraining order is taken. Or do they?

God, I hate that kid. He doesn't deserve Famke Janssen.

[Baxter]

Well, underage or no he DEFINITELY had that punch coming. Shit, he'd JUST shoved his mother across the room and then he had the gaul to call Sean out for being violent. I call WHATEVER on that.

[Primus]

I think I soaked up all the non-squeamish genes in the family. I don't watch Nip/Tuck (not really interested in the concept, natch), but I LOVES me the gruesome procedural shows. Except CSI:Miami. No one watches CSI:Miami. If they say they do, they're lying. No idea why that show is still on the air.

Anyways, CSI:NY (which I like better than CSI:Vanilla, as :NY is much more character-driven and focuses more on the actual CSI-ing. :Vanilla has been relying on extreme shock and the Sexual Fetish of the Week for about two seasons now. Starting to get old. Wow, that was a long digression. Anyone still reading this? Even I'm starting to get bored.) had a tiger mauling tonight and hoo boy that was fun. Dismembered parts everywhere. Plus :Vanilla had Human Soup 2 the other week. Can never go wrong with Human Soup.

[Jonas]

I used to watch CSI:Miami, when I had cable. David Caruso is the deep fried cheese covered cheese stick stuffed with cheese of police shows. It was so good it was bad. I also found the case somewhat easier on the eyes than :Vanilla (LV isn't it?), not counting Caruso of course.

[ahe]

Re: Matt on nip/tuck, I think it was implied that that little asshat deserved it and the whole restraining order thing is just another petty way of getting revenge against his father because he's misplaced all the anger he has over discovering that he may, in fact, be attraced to trannies.

And bro, I watch CSI: Miami if nothing else is on TV. Ainsley Hayes from the West Wing is on it--I love her! Also, never again speak of the human soup. I'll flip through Vegas for some eye candy shots of Gary Dourdan, the prettiest guy ever, but that's about it. t lost its apeal once Lady Heather moved to the OC.

[Amy]

I'm with Ahe: never again speak of the human soup.

Back to more pleasant things--Cassie, I am so in agreement with you about Tom Cruise. I remember he used to seem nice and funny and cool. What the hell happened? Was it Scientology? Or did he get cracked on the head during the filming of Mission Impossible?

[Nick]

Your blog is about ten times more amusing when viewed through gizoogle...

[bailee]

Ooooh, gizoogle burn.

Gary Dourdan is so very, very hot.

Yay for you blogging again, laughing out loud at work is awesome.