from now on if someone needs to be manipulated, we put me in charge

So, I’ve reached kind of an all time low in conflict avoidance—I saw someone I didn’t want to see and DUCKED behind something and hid.  Totally stealth, for sure.  I hadn’t heard from this person in quite some time, a welcome development, considering that she was the key player in that sideshow of my life debacle of many months ago.  I had heard from another party that he suspected her of sending him some hilariously stalkerish valentines (said suspicions are as yet unconfirmed), which I found amusing until she IM’d me, called me "SO FUCKING CRAZY…and manipulative" and then blocked me.  All I could think was, "Whuh?" I emailed her and told her that considering the fact that I hadn’t seen or spoken to her in months, whatever her liquor hallucination of a problem was, I didn’t care to be dragged into it.  Before I hit send on that email, I thought, maybe it sounded mean, but then I realized that I intended it to be mean.  In fact, I debated whether it had been mean enough, but then I figured that saying anything else would be passing dangerously close to neener-neener territory.  So yeah, I saw her from afar and artfully ducked around a corner—wishing that I had some foliage behind which to dive, as that would have been far more comedic.  Ooh, or I could have choreographed some extravagant chase scene complete with phone booths and hiding behind newspapers, huge sunglasses and a false moustache to the strains of some plinky piano silent movie score.  And then I’d run into a wall and end up with stars and birdies flying in a circle around my head.  Too far?  Too far.

In other news, Taylor Hicks is a fucking douche.  Yeah, I said it.  Douche. 

In other other news, Rira and I learned a hard lesson this weekend and that lesson is: when it comes to grease-filled Top Pot Doughnuts—ONE is our limit.  You would do well to remember that, unless, of course, you want to spend a weekend shackled to your bathroom.

In other other other news, this is why I regret downloading Tetris to my cell phone.  Last week, I took the bus up the hill and became so engrossed, I missed my stop and then I killed a man.  In Reno.

Comments

[Cassie]

Ah, yes, I had been meaning to ask you how that whole debacle, as you put it, eventually turned out.

Gross about the doughnuts. I'm not surprised those grease balls came ruight out. Yummy tempting goodness.

[Annie]

Don't you wish that life actually were like cartoons sometimes? Everything would be much more memorable. You're lucky you made it though two top pot donuts, I can barely eat one without horrible ramifications.

[Annie]

Have you looked at a lot of those Penny Arcade cartoons? Fucking hilarious!

[christopher]

penny arcade is basically my life, so thanks for validating me.

[John]

That whole sideshow of your life thing is a bit sad, though. It sounded like you guys used to have a lot of fun together. "stalkerish valentines?" Do tell...

[ahe]

John, we did have some good times. You're right, it is sad. But ultimately, for the better. Let's talk offline about the "stalkerish valentines." I don't want to spread internet rumors, since we're not 100% certain that she was the one who sent them.

[jordan]

omfg! so many of the people who comment here use TWO spaces after their periods! they might be internet stalkers!

[Cassie]

Jordan, BURN!

[jordan]

i hope she doesn't still read your webpage.

[Dr. Danskin]

I am SO a two-space stalker. Also? I hate Taylor Hicks with a fiery passion. Also? I wish to hell you had the whole sunglasses, phone booth, birdies chase.

[ahe]

YOUGUYSBETTERSTOPSTALKINGME!!! Haha, actually, I believe Squarespace edits out the two spaces in the comments log, since the font isn't monotype, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

[Baxter]

I recently missed my bus stop because I was engrossed in listening to the Chuck Norris autobiography as read by his near-illiterate son on my i-pod.

[Baxter]

PS: I am also guilty of hiding behind things to avoid someone. I have made use of many a display in Safeway.

[wilmer]

you should have fought her with nunchucks and other assorted weapons that your asian ancestors wielded.

[ahe]

Is that Chuck Norris bio for download on itunes? I am so there. I recently got Kitchen Confidential and even though that TV show sucked, Anthony Bourdain is one funny fucking guy. And he's totally literate.

[christopher]

holy crow, is anthony bourdain funny! i downloaded his boo on itunes around christmas and couldn't stop laughing. "running to the bathroom, shitting like a minx?"

[Primus]

Bourdain is God.

Repeat until senseless.

If you can catch them, Bourdain had a travel/food show on the Travel Network a few months ago. It's occasionally surreal (he gets stuck in a blizzard out in the wilds of Iceland once and gets all freaky), sometimes really gross (rotten shark meat fermented in shark urine gross), but definitely worth the watch.

His other book, "A Cook's Tour", is not as funny but more poignant and introspective.

[christopher]

That Travel show was great--what am I eating? "Squeasel??!?"

[Ali G]

i'm normally too oblivious to hide from people. i don't realize they are there until it is TOO LATE.

so next time have a better hiding story, complete with chase details. do it for the blog!

but i'm glad that you sent the mean email. seriously, life is too short to put up with lunacy.

[alien attack!]

"life is too short to put up with lunacy."

ali g's got it right. one of my mother's favorite sayings is "you can't argue with crazy," and it's true.