waste of tape

I’m sure you’ve all, at some point, come to the realization that I can be kind of an asshole.  I hope that you also realize that most of the time, I’m not even doing it on purpose, it just comes out that way.  As such, I find that I am, perhaps, more confrontational with strangers who piss me off than is probably strictly necessary.  I’m sure all of you who have been in public with me have had the heartwarming experience of either shushing me or pulling me away when I’ve begun mouthing off to that jerk who won’t stop talking during the movie or the bitch who bumped into me without a backwards glance.  In a  related story, this chick was totally rude to me today and I was forced to be even more rude in return. (Ruder?  Is ruder a word?  More rude?  I was an English major, and I’m always confused about that.)  It was a moral imperative!  Now, first off,  I’m not saying I was runway ready, but I looked normal-nice today.  I mean, honestly, how bad could you possibly look wearing a black dress and black boots, provided the boots do not look like this.  Or this.  Because those are gross, and yet people still buy them, and you know who you are and I can’t say it any plainer than this:  they’re ugly.  Round or pointy, pick a toe and stick with it—and square is not an option. 

(If you have shoes like this, I love you, but they are still ugly.  Bygones!) 

I digress.  So, I’m in the elevator, looking totally inoffensive, and this woman I’ve never met before gives me the whole up-down look, scrunches her nose and says with distaste, “Nice outfit.”  Then she smirked at the girl standing next to her.  Nuh-uh!  No, you didn’t, Miss Patent Leather Chunky-Heeled Loafer.  No.  You.  Did.  NOT.  Hold me back! And yes, MAYBE I was wearing fishnets and MAYBE they were the kind with the seam up the back, but they were the non-whorey ones with the little holes and you could only see like 6 inches of them between my boots and the hem of the dress which is TOTALLY below my knee, so like, not skanky AT ALL.  What a bitch, right?  So when she snarked out that “Nice outfit,” I had no choice but to return with the first thing that came to mind:  “Nice moustache.” 

Not particularly deft, but nonetheless effective.